OMG – This day/week has totally not been on my side! Once one thing happened that sucked, the sucky stuff just kept on happening! I am not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself, but damn it – I would like the opportunity to if I so choose! Today I was pretty full of anger, and I’m sorry to anyone that I shared that anger with and didn’t deserve it, but really, until you are in my shoes, please don’t judge me on my acceptance/denial of the situation.
For those of you still reading, I met with the oncologist today and he said, what I had feared the most and hoped not to hear, another round of full blown chemo! Actually, more than last time and probably have to be hooked up to a machine every 3 weeks for the rest of my life for maintenance drug, as long as my heart can handle it! Really?! So much for we got it all huh?
The family has some decisions to make on what the course is from here and when to start, but I go Monday for a couple scans – the heart scan that is done before chemo to make sure your heart is in OK shape to handle the chemo itself, and an MRI of my “noodle” to make sure it’s clean. I guess my type of cancer, that so loves my body that it wont leave, has a tendency to jump to the brain.(I told my brother that maybe that is what the problem has been all these years!) Then we decide when to start treatments. If you want an exact number – it’s 8 treatments, every 2 weeks for 16 weeks then every three weeks for the rest of my life! If you do the math, that is my WHOLE summer I get to be feeling like I got hit by a bus – Really?! How about we wait till January when nothing happens? Yes, I am bitter, angry, confused, numb, scared and a whole plethora of emotions that no one will ever understand.
We have so many decisions to make on so many things that worrying about treatment is the last thing on my mind right now. People don’t understand the effects of cancer on a person, besides the outward ones. The financial burden, the emotional burden, the long term physical and financial effects that occur long after the hair has grown back and the nausea has stopped, are so intense that I see why people drop into depression even when it’s over. I have read about people loosing their homes and businesses and life savings due to cancer treatments! It’s a very scarey thing as that could be me! Funny, that this is the precise reason we started Tammy’s Friends and now here I am thinking about all this stuff with no where to turn! Ironic if I do say so myself!
Well, I guess that’s enough about me for one day – tomorrow is another day and I decided that when this is all over (at least this time) I am getting a tattoo! If I don’t chicken out and can afford it – both are not likely to happen, but hey a girls got dreams!
I suppose on a sort of positive side of things…for the first time in his life John is almost speechless. I will get through this somehow and do what is required but right now I’m stunned and kind of speechless myself.
See you –