So after a pretty crappy start of the week, I decided that what I needed was some serious quality time with my kids!! We have gone swimming, to the beach, just played around here and are planning a couple more beat the heat activities for the rest of the week. I really needed to do that for myself before I start treatments again!!
I also talked to some of my friends and neighbors and had some good conversations about it all! Amazing how just letting yourself get away from all the crap for a little bit, helps you clear your head and make rational thoughts about what is yet to come. I posted on my FB page that I was hanging out at the pool with my kids one day because chemo can only take away what hasn’t happened yet! It’s funny that I actually believe that, and that is why I decided that for at least this week I was spending time with my kids doing kids stuff, not worrying about any other thing, just us hanging out and being silly and doing whatever we wanted with no clock, no place to be unless we wanted to be there and nothing but us, as a family, doing family type stuff! It has been a great time so far, even when we did nothing, we did nothing together.
Talking to a friend tonight I got some good insight on how my thinking is actually kind of kooky! I needed to hear that in 16 weeks this will be over for the most, and unlike some people, I will have the next 16 years of summers to do stuff. Just having to get through one shitty summer really isn’t that bad. Next year the kids will be older and into more things and I will be well and able to enjoy it then. I just have to give myself a chance to actually believe that! It’s hard when I think about what we went though before and now this is worse – We also talked about the fact that it’s harder to muster up the will to move ahead when you know what is waiting for you. We agreed that last time we jumped into the unknown and figured it out, while this time we know what we are jumping into and we know we don’t like it so that makes it a little harder.
I will get through this because of my 4 little blessings that smile an hug me no matter what kind of day they or I had, and my husband doesn’t cook very well and my Mom said I have to! I didn’t always listen to my Mom so I am trying to make it up now so I guess I’m stuck 🙂 If it weren’t for my kids I don’t now how I would have got through this the first time, much less a second time. I have said it before and it bears repeating, they are my rock, my strength, the light at the end of what can seem like a very long and dark tunnel, they are the reason God put me on this Earth and for them I will fight on!!
Good Night Everyone –