So, I have to be at pre admission testing in about 7 hours and I can’t really sleep. So many things going on in my head. I was talking to a friend today and I mentioned that the last time they told me I had cancer, we opened a fresh can of whoop ass and hit it head on with no worries!  We jumped into the unexpected and came out swinging!  That is a lot harder this time.  Maybe because we are not jumping into the unknown, maybe because we know the road ahead of us really sucks and we don’t want to be there!  I am seriously standing on the edge of a cliff wondering why me! I go for surgery on Thursday at hillcrest. They tell me it’s out patient and I will be fine by Friday.  I am also thinking that I have so much going on in my life right now that this is a HUGE inconvenience! They also tell me that they are not sure if surgery will be successful, what happens if it’s not? I will probably have to hit more chemo no matter what and I REALLY don’t wanna do that!  My kids are much older than they were last time and they have things to do and things I should be a part of!  I can’t be laid up and miss all that!

the first time, I wasn’t really scared, I was sad that there was a possibility that I could miss all of the milestones that my kids would hit and that they wouldn’t have a Mom to share with them the ups and downs of life.  Really, not scared, just worried about their future and what it would hold without me in it.  Well, that was all the motivation I needed to carry on and get through it all.  This time, I am scared! Most people think I am a really strong person, well, I have news for all of those people, I am not as strong as this. This time it’s something we know what to expect and I am truly scared to face it again. I don’t want to do that all over again, I gave it all I had the first time and I don’t know what will happen this time around. I look at my kids (especially the older ones) and I hate that they have to go through this!  Alli is such a sweet little girl who cried for 45 minutes because the lady at the bakery said she was gonna get killed for taking our last minute order, not actually killed, but you know how people talk.  Alli was so upset she told the lady that she would go without a cake if it would keep her from getting killed.  She asked me for days if the bakery lady was OK. She is not going to be able to handle this! Kids are starting a new school in the fall and I need that to be their focus not their sick Mom!  I am so afraid of what is going to happen to them having to go through this again too.  I am afraid of all the after effects of this, we are not even out of the hole we got into the last time and now we have to get in another one.  What happens then?

I know I have friends and family that really care about us, and I thank God everyday for all of them, but I am the one that makes other people feel better and I am the one that helps other people – not the other way around. I hate this feeling of helplessness, I can’t stand it.

I can’t even put into words what is going on in my head right now.  There are so many things, so many questions and so many thoughts.  I would never question God or his “plan”, but really, right now I can’t help but wonder why me, why now? I have been asking myself what i ever did to anyone to deserve this a second time.  I never figured out what I did the first time, but just let that go.  Now I can’t help but have that little voice in my head that just keeps asking why!!!  I live my life for my kids and for other people and God, why does this have to happen?  There are so many not nice people in this world, why not one of them.  I know why, because it isn’t nice to wish this on someone else. Everyone says that God only gives us what we can handle, well, this is a little over the top of my glass! I can’t even keep my house clean because we are to busy, this is not going to fit in my routine! We are not really talking about it here at the house, because I don’t want to get the kids to involved in to much stuff right now so really it’s all just in my head! My head is fighting with itself as to what it wants to do.  Half saying fight like hell and the other half is still asking the questions and waiting on the answers before making a decision on where to go.

I have to try to go to bed now, so I can start down my path to where ever it leads. Thanks for the prayers, good karma, positive energy or whatever you are into right now – I need it to help me get it all straight in my head.

Good night –

T

Posted in: Blog.
Last Modified: June 13, 2012

7 comments on “Not sure how I feel right now

  1. source

    Good Stuff, do you currently have a bebo profile?

  2. Lynette Olson

    Tammy,
    I think this blog is a great idea. It gives me direction to know how to pray. I know cancer is scary. I am so thankful that my dad did not have to go through chemo. I just recently lost a friend to cancer. She is with Jesus in no more pain. God has a plan for all this happening. Your kids will make it through. Let Alli or Jenna know if they want to talk just Facebook me or call. Prayer will strengthen and give you peace. Just take it one day at a time and live it to the fullest. I know it is easy for me to have this attitude. I have had my share of hard times. It helps me to be reminded that the situation will pass. Praying for you and your family as you face this head on together.

  3. Gretchen

    Tammy, Thank you for sharing. Please know that there are many friends, neighbors and loved ones with you on this journey. You are not fighting alone. I will continue to lift you and your entire family in prayer. We are right in the neighborhood if there is anything that you need. Take care…Gretchen

  4. Karen Sanford

    God bless you and keep you safe! Prayers are with you!

  5. Jackie Cummins

    Hey Tam! I think your blog is a fantastic vehicle to help get these emotions and feelings out of your head and into the universe; at the same time, you are helping others experiencing similar journeys. My heart hurts for you right now. I am sending you all the best wishes for the strength you need to fight this disease. You did it once, you will do it again! Keep writing, Tammy, and gather your courage. It’s there. We’ve seen it. Children, even your Alli, are resilient. I know this sounds trite, but it’s so true. Let the house be dirty; let others help you with the children; cut back on activities for a little bit and circle your wagons. When all is said and done, Tam, your kids want their Mom, not the activities, not the clean house. And having their Mom means taking care of yourself to put up the best fight possible to kick this disease to the curb.
    I have no answer to the question of “why,” friend. I don’t think any of us has that answer. But please know that it is not because you did or did not do “something.” It is the roll of those dice, I believe. A crappy roll, no doubt about it, but as random as the order of the stars. I know you believe in God so wrap yourself around His words and let them provide comfort during this difficult time. Trying to find the answers to the unanswerable is like searching for a contact lens on the beach. It is futile and frustrating. Use that energy toward strengthening your emotional resources. Blow some bubbles into the sky and imagine they are all those negative thoughts that are dragging you down right now. Watch as they float away, the “why’s” and the “why not’s.” And then go inside the house and play a game of Apples to Apples with the kids. Pour some tea and laugh with John and your babies. Let them be the source of your strength, Tammy.
    And now that I’m done with dispensing advice I really don’t have any business giving, I am sending you a virtual hug! I hope to make it an actual hug sooner than later, though! Wilmington, NC is a car ride ride away, and we would love to come and see you, Tam.
    All of our love to you and John, and the children,
    Jackie

  6. Jenn Reed

    Thank you for so honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings. It takes courage to be truthful with yourself and the world wild web! Just getting to the point of hearing yourself say out loud that you have cancer (again)has to be hard enough but seeing it written in black and white along with your inner most feelings has to be a jarring experience. Especially for you who is always thinking, planning, and doing for others. One day when your girls read this they will truly understand your/their journey with this crazy ass disease. Hopefully they will have a cure by then.
    P.S. I can’t find a recommend button, do you mean click FB like or copy the permalink?

  7. Donna

    Tam, I can’t begin to imagine what your going through but as I read this blog, you somewhat made me feel it…tears and all. I wish I had answers. I wish I could make this go away. I wish your amazing kids didn’t have to go through this. Unfortunately these wishes won’t come true. Life won’t allow it and that plain sucks! All I can give you right now is my love, support and prayers. Know that whenever you need someone to talk, vent, cry, scream and swear, I will always be here for you! (Except for our missed calls the last two days!) Hang in there sister, day by day, minute by minute, because you have four reasons to do so! I love you. Talk to you soon.
    ~Donna