So, I have to be at pre admission testing in about 7 hours and I can’t really sleep. So many things going on in my head. I was talking to a friend today and I mentioned that the last time they told me I had cancer, we opened a fresh can of whoop ass and hit it head on with no worries! We jumped into the unexpected and came out swinging! That is a lot harder this time. Maybe because we are not jumping into the unknown, maybe because we know the road ahead of us really sucks and we don’t want to be there! I am seriously standing on the edge of a cliff wondering why me! I go for surgery on Thursday at hillcrest. They tell me it’s out patient and I will be fine by Friday. I am also thinking that I have so much going on in my life right now that this is a HUGE inconvenience! They also tell me that they are not sure if surgery will be successful, what happens if it’s not? I will probably have to hit more chemo no matter what and I REALLY don’t wanna do that! My kids are much older than they were last time and they have things to do and things I should be a part of! I can’t be laid up and miss all that!
the first time, I wasn’t really scared, I was sad that there was a possibility that I could miss all of the milestones that my kids would hit and that they wouldn’t have a Mom to share with them the ups and downs of life. Really, not scared, just worried about their future and what it would hold without me in it. Well, that was all the motivation I needed to carry on and get through it all. This time, I am scared! Most people think I am a really strong person, well, I have news for all of those people, I am not as strong as this. This time it’s something we know what to expect and I am truly scared to face it again. I don’t want to do that all over again, I gave it all I had the first time and I don’t know what will happen this time around. I look at my kids (especially the older ones) and I hate that they have to go through this! Alli is such a sweet little girl who cried for 45 minutes because the lady at the bakery said she was gonna get killed for taking our last minute order, not actually killed, but you know how people talk. Alli was so upset she told the lady that she would go without a cake if it would keep her from getting killed. She asked me for days if the bakery lady was OK. She is not going to be able to handle this! Kids are starting a new school in the fall and I need that to be their focus not their sick Mom! I am so afraid of what is going to happen to them having to go through this again too. I am afraid of all the after effects of this, we are not even out of the hole we got into the last time and now we have to get in another one. What happens then?
I know I have friends and family that really care about us, and I thank God everyday for all of them, but I am the one that makes other people feel better and I am the one that helps other people – not the other way around. I hate this feeling of helplessness, I can’t stand it.
I can’t even put into words what is going on in my head right now. There are so many things, so many questions and so many thoughts. I would never question God or his “plan”, but really, right now I can’t help but wonder why me, why now? I have been asking myself what i ever did to anyone to deserve this a second time. I never figured out what I did the first time, but just let that go. Now I can’t help but have that little voice in my head that just keeps asking why!!! I live my life for my kids and for other people and God, why does this have to happen? There are so many not nice people in this world, why not one of them. I know why, because it isn’t nice to wish this on someone else. Everyone says that God only gives us what we can handle, well, this is a little over the top of my glass! I can’t even keep my house clean because we are to busy, this is not going to fit in my routine! We are not really talking about it here at the house, because I don’t want to get the kids to involved in to much stuff right now so really it’s all just in my head! My head is fighting with itself as to what it wants to do. Half saying fight like hell and the other half is still asking the questions and waiting on the answers before making a decision on where to go.
I have to try to go to bed now, so I can start down my path to where ever it leads. Thanks for the prayers, good karma, positive energy or whatever you are into right now – I need it to help me get it all straight in my head.
Good night –